Love, Desire & Nonattachment

Learn what nonattachment really means; it is often misunderstood as not caring, but it is not that at all: it is a loving, freeing practice. Understand what nonattachment means in relationships and how to practice it mindfully. Release from clinging that causes suffering. Let go of past loves and hurts and from fixating on the future. Love and desire more fully and freely in the present. This can be tough to do, but there are supportive teachings and practices from diverse wisdom and liberation traditions that can help us. If you are struggling presently, or generally struggle with clinging or letting go, or needing someone/s to be a certain way that they really can’t be, having a tendency to control, this is for you. And even if you are in ongoing healthy relationships, this can help you keep it fresh and generous.

The session will include meditation and other mindfulness practices, teaching and sharing (there is no obligation to share). It will not be recorded.

Curious about what nonattachment in love relationships means?

Nonattachment does not mean that we are not loyal or faithful, if that is our arrangement. It does mean that we release from clinging and fixation, and open to the changing nature of all emotions, beings and relationships.

Everyone and everything is impermanent; emotions change; relationships change and end, even if it’s at life’s end. If we accept at the beginning that everything ends, then we can begin to let go of constant planning, measuring and worrying about the future and where the relationship will go. We can be more fully aware and alive in the present, more curious, open and clear about where we are now. We can also be clearer and braver in deciding when it’s time to let go of someone.

Want to know more about nonattachment and breakups?

Nonattachment does not mean that we do not take care of hurt from past relationships. It does mean that we learn and let go, that we leave the past and live fully in the present, allowing ourselves to grow, change and be who we are now, and our ex/es to do the same, outside of our control.

What about nonattachment and desire?

Nonattachment does not mean that we let go of discernment and boundaries. It does mean that we can be curious and open-ended, without a fixed goal. It does not mean that we must be super-sexual or even sexual. It does mean that we release from craving and take time to sense into our longings and their sources, the different ways we might meet them, and how they may shift and alter.

It has always seemed to me that an essential distinction in meaning exists between the choice of “detachment” and “nonattachment”… Detachment implies the extinction of feeling. In nonattachment the river-life of emotion continues, only our relationship to it alters. ~ Jane Hirshfield

Instead of focusing all that longing on a particular person, I wanted to experience the immensity of its reach. I wanted to dive into longing, into communion, into the love I knew was its essence. I invited the longing—”Go head, please. Be as full as you are.” I knew then I could finally let go. ~ Tara Brach

Because the object [of desire] is always unsatisfying to some degree, it is our insistence on its being otherwise that causes suffering. Not that desiring is negative in itself. We can learn to linger in the space between desire and its satisfaction, explore that space a bit more. By renouncing clinging we actually deepen desire. Clinging keeps desire in a frozen, fixated, state. When we renounce efforts to control or possess that which we desire, we free desire itself. In psychodynamic language, this is the ability to have a relationship between two subjects, instead of a subject and an object. Can you give your lover the freedom of their subjectivity and otherness? Admit that they are outside of your control?  ~ Mark Epstein